Jan 28, 2008
I am sure that each and every one of us have encountered this situation: a love left unspoken. I did.
When I was a school girl, I secretly admired a guy. He was three years older than me. A budding athlete.
My life then, evolved around schools and tuitions. And, him. We barely spoke. Only exchanged glances and smiles.
Until one day, he sent a messenger. My own brother.
"So and so sent his regards." My brother looked at me in disgust. Jealousy erupted. Protective of his elder sister- me. Disliked any guy who harboured admiration towards me.
But it was just that... A mutual liking. Nothing beyond that.
Just a love left unspoken.
When I looked back, I wondered- what happened if he rang me up? Would I say yes to his invitation for coffee? Oppss.. not coffee. Movie.
In those days, when a boy was interested to get to know a girl, it was always a movie date. Classic boy-meet-girl date. Simple. Cheap. No expectation. The movie would always end with a light dinner at a fast food restaurant.
A fast food restaurant would always be the best bet. It is cozy, airy and air-conditioned. For a boy with a limited budget, it would be the perfect place. To get to know the girl.
Being a gentleman, the guy would offer to buy the value meals. The girl would choose a seat, away from the crowd. When the guy comes, the girl would shyly take her drink and sip quietly. The boy and the girl would put up their best appearance.
Then, the guy would walk the girl to the bus station. The girl took the bus, beaming, blushing happily. The guy would awkwardly wait until the bus took off - and finally lost amidst the busy traffic.
The girl would try her best not to look back - to see the guy, still waiting at the station. But, at one point, when she does, it was too far away. And, she turned again. Sitting next to the window. Building a hope. That one day, they would meet again.
Today, when my friend and I have the urge to indulge in fast food, we would bump into these young couples in the restaurants- you name it - KFC, A&W, Burger King. And, I just smile. Because, seeing them, reminds me of the days when life was just a simple story. A boy met a girl for a movie. And french fries and burgers. And bus station. No expectation. Just follow the flow.
the first love's most important.
That's very romantic,
but not my experience.
Something was and wasn't there between us,
something went on and went away.
My hands never tremble
when I stumble on silly keepsakes
and a sheaf of letters tied with string
— not even ribbon.
Our only meeting after years:
two chairs chatting
at a chilly table.
still breathe deep inside me.
This one's too short of breath even to sigh.
Yet just exactly as it is,
it does what the others still can't manage:
not even seen in dreams,
it introduces me to death."
- Wislawa Szymborska
Posted at 01:53 am by carriekay
Jan 8, 2008
I think I have come to a stage that I am so tired of driving.
I am tired with uncivilized, inconsiderate and selfish drivers.
If only the world is a better place to live.
But, when I started to learn how to drive, the environment was full with mean drivers.They can sense if you just passed your license. They would hound you with aggresive drivings and endless honks. It drives you nuts - up to the head and down.
So, in order to survive driving in KL, you have to be "mean". You have no choice. Whether you are a woman or a man.
Yes, I admit, I am a mean driver. I don't drive less than 20km/hr. I am so impatient with turtle drivers. I use my hon often - it saves me from unexpected little bumps. But, I try not to cut queue - which I think is unfair for the rest of the drivers, unless if I do have some emergency matters. And, of course, I do give way to other drivers - when necessary. Hmmm.
You see, when you drive in KL, you can't be too nice. Otherwise, other drivers would take advantage of your nice humble driving. So, I have a policy of my own. Only one car policy. Not more than one. Because if I let more than one car to cut the queue in front of me, there are hordes of other cars waiting to squeeze, if possible, in the tiny little space between my car and the car in front of me.
So, which choice would you prefer?
Posted at 04:11 pm by carriekay
Nov 7, 2007
I would not have stood here today without the support of the most influential person in my life - my mother.
I owe it to her for giving me her strong character and determination.
I value her tireless efforts to instil in me a strong love from probably the day I was born in books.
She introduced me to the wonders of stories. Of kingdoms in the forests. Of Enid Blyton and her make-believe toylands, pixies, fairies and brownies. She read to me story books. And, the one fairy tale I remembered till today is my old time favorite - Little Red Riding Hood.
My mom had been a teacher by profession for 34 years. And, due to her background, she taught me how to read and write and by the age of 4, I managed to read Little Red Riding Hood by myself.
As I was growing up, she bought me teen novels - published by Dewan Bahasa and Pustaka. Frankly speaking, unlike the girls who were growing up in their teens, I was a nerd. Books consumed me - until I did not realize I was a teenager.
And, until one day, my mother said to me in her despair, "Please stop buying books because your books overflowed the house!"
"But, mom! " I protested. "Wasn't it you who taught me to love books?"
And, she was just speechless. I inherit the reading trait from her. If I am not keeping up with the current news, she will feed me with the information she picked from the newspapers.
My mother, too, has groomed me to love knowledge. Or sometimes treat me like her little cute Standard One students whom I think she miss after her retirement.
The most important thing is my mom built in me - the strong core to withstand the winds of change. To stand up for my rights. To speak out for unjustice. To be confident with my own abilities. Though, sometimes, in that dark periods of life, we tend to feel down - it is just human nature. But, the biggest test is, how we stand up again and build the pieces of life back and move on.
Seeing her aging, I always feel the little tug in my heart. I miss my mother when she was that young, energetic and resilient woman. Who ran the house when my dad was away for a job commitment. A strong pillar that I can always fall on to. But, we can never turn back the clock. As I have learnt to accept as time passes by.
There is forever a cycle to follow - as determined by Allah in His book of Fate. And, my mom is getting old. It is true what people say. For what my mom had done for me and my brother, there will never be enough time for us to pay back all the sacrifices she had made. For us.
I grow up, becoming an independent woman by training. As the eldest in the family, I have no choice but to learn to make important decisions. To be the pillar of strength of the family. To learn to take charge when the situation is volatile. To build a solid mind and character in order to face the world.
Indeed, the world belongs only to the survivors of the fittest human race.
Posted at 12:11 am by carriekay
Jun 26, 2007
When someone ask me which story I would consider as a perfect story, I will be dumbfounded...for a short while.
Let me see...
A perfect story, in my perspective, would consist of a hero ( definitely - aren't we all looking for a Mr. Right like the ones in the novels - which of course do not exist in the real world), a heroin ( a subconscious manifestation of the author herself - might also apply to the hero if the author is a male or their alter egos - note: either/or ); aha! Not forgetting the villains plus secondary characters that support the whole story. But, a perfect story will have the XYZ twist if it has the most evil villain of all time.It hits the readers yet it sells - big time.
If we reflect that and mirror it to our life script, it is the same thing. The heroins would be us - ehem!ehem!, the heroes would be the men we choose and obviously....tadaa...the villains - the persons who would not want us to be happy or enjoy life yet thrive on the growing trees of our despair and frustration. Sounds familiar ?
In this context, the villains will always be there...from the time we are born till the day we draw our last breath. And, the key to survival is never give up. And continue hope that life will eventually turn out to be an enriching experience. Insya Allah.
Keep looking at the sun so that you will not see the shadow - Pharaphased from a Hellen Keller's quote.
Posted at 07:13 pm by carriekay
Jun 25, 2007
Welcome to the World of Blogging - Nothing New
Blogging is a phenomena. It hits the world like crazy - turning quite a high number of the inhabitants into avid bloggers. Before the blog technology ever came to the picture, only programmers had the luxury of building their own web site. I remembered taking a Management Information Science class and had to develop my own website using the very basic HTML. I struggled like a mad woman because I am and still not a techie. I like technology but I'm not a technology person. So, I had to turn to my best friend who helped me out with my lame website just to pass the class.
I first encountered the blog world when I bumped into an ex-colleague's blog. He is a programmer and he did wonders to his website. The website gathered a group of loyal followers who left comments on the daily entries. He is definitely a good writer. Good for him that because of his blog, he changed career and became someone important in a well-known organization. What amazed me then was even a layman like me could build a blog. A blog where I could write anything that I wanted.
I started with a personal blog. And wrote everyday. If I compiled it, it could probably become a book. But, what I liked most, it sharpened my writing skills and helped me in my work. Yet, blog does not come only with the advantages. The disadvantage of having a blog is someone who knows you in person might bump into it. It is a risk you have to take as you publish your content online. And, along that line, you are given the license to the web surfers to read your thoughts ....online. So, you can't charge or sue them for libel.
But, what if, the person who knows you personally uses the content against you ? Or he or she becomes fanatically attached to what you write ? Anything is possible in the blogging world. It is full with copycats and wannabes who want to be associated with famous or prominent bloggers online in some way. In the virtual world, people expose the other side of them that we would never see in the real-time situation. Ironic, isn't it ?
I had some bad experience in blogging prior to the ones I have right now. True, not everyone will agree with what I write or review but it's okay. In the virtual environment, we all have freedom of expressions.
I saw this cynical sign plastered on the back of a MyVie. I like it. But , for this entry I would adjust it accordingly. Have a nice day.
"If you don't like my writing, dial 1-800-WHO-CARES".
No one can let you down without your consent - Eleanor Roosevelt.
Posted at 05:20 pm by carriekay
May 7, 2007
When you embark on a journey, you hope that it will come to an end. But, what if, the journey has no end ?
I just came back from a journey. A journey that required me to relook at what I value in life. A journey that tested my patience and perseverance. It was not a normal journey but I am glad that I finally made it.
But, one thing I know, this is a journey that has no ending. It depends on what I chart along the way. What I want in life.
Whatever it is, I still hope the journey will finally come to a final resting point. And a good one. :)
Posted at 10:25 pm by carriekay
Apr 5, 2007
In the movie Cinta, there was a meaningful scene - when the hero learnt that love means learning how to let go.
Even, in life sometimes, we have to learn how to let go. Let the nature takes its course. Still, it does not mean that we should not strive for what we want. At the end of the day, God will decide for us if what we strive for is ours or not. At least, we know we do not harbour any regret because we know we have done our best. The sad thing would be...when at the end, it is not ours from day one.
Can we learn how to let go ?
Our prized possessions that we keep....Our love...our friendship.
As a human being, we tend to cling to what we own because we hate to feel the loss. Loss is an unbearable pain and it tends to drive us over the edge. Yet, loss teaches us to define the meaning of life itself.
Some of us think holding on makes us strong, but sometimes it is letting go.
Posted at 11:05 pm by carriekay
Apr 2, 2007
Behind the Veil of A Perfect Life
What do we want out of our life ?
A perfect car....A perfect house...A perfect partner....A perfect education........perfect children...a perfect lifestyle of the rich and famous..
Maybe, we used to dream and want all these things when we were growing up. We are always on the edge, looking far beyond the horizon for an achievement...a completeness. The best fruits lie on top of the trees. So, we must never give up but continue to reach for the fruits. We always look for the next train that can bring us to eternity, maybe. We go astray from relationships, from the life we are comfortable with...to search for the meaning about ourselves. What we see in life. What we uphold. Our beliefs. Our principles. Our values.
And, along the way, we have left a trail of broken hearts.
Until one extent, we realize that life is short. There are so many goals in life to be achieved and so little time left. What do we make most out of our life?
I used to work from dawn to dusk. I have once been an over-achiever. To me, a perfect life means being able to work hard for it and reap the rewards later. It is sweet. And, then I realise, life is not all about work. Life is not about just accumulating wealth. Life is more than just a bucket of money. I mellow down. So that I can enjoy the essence of life better. Not all can be measured with money. It is how you feel inside. In the tiny little place called a heart.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched - they must be felt with the heart - Hellen Keller.
Posted at 01:52 am by carriekay
Apr 1, 2007
Trailing Down The Memory Lane of Writing
Before this amazing blog technology comes into picture, I used to write in diaries. Or notebooks. I write poems. I write parts of a story I hope one day I could publish. I love to write. Maybe the urge to write comes from too much reading.
Even, when I have a fight with a person, I would write in little notes, telling the person what I feel about him..opps. Hehehe. The worst part was when your friends picked up those little notes and laughed about it. I have totally forgotten about it until recently an old friend reminded me of that little incident.
Well, I guess I am a writer in blood. Not until a few months back, I realise from whom I inherit that trait. It is from my mom. I bumped into her diary ( I swear I did not sneak upon her things) and I found wonderful quotes in it and even little notes she wrote to my dad to tell him how she felt after they had an argument. It was hillarious but cute. But, it so remind me of myself. Now, I know why.
Some say, a face-to-face confrontation is the most effective medium to settle a conflict. But, yeah, it does work in certain way. Still, I express myself best in writing. It is a medium that allows me to sort out what I want to say without feeling an ounce of regret. So, when I am upset, I write. Not a page. But pages of what I feel. When I am happy, I write too. When I want to share any information that I might have, I write. And, to date, I already have four blogs: two book reviews, an e-novel and a column.
My friends are more than confused to keep track with the blogs I have but I find blogging is such an amazing technology for a writer like me. I can write and write in here without having to worry about the technicalities of keeping the site afloat ( if you know what I mean). And, being able to write in here allows me to share what I feel about life.
Posted at 01:58 am by carriekay
Mar 23, 2007
The Meaning of Friendship and Love
There are times in our life when we discover the true meaning of friendship. Friends can come and go, brighten our life with their quirky characters, wittiness and uniqueness. We often laugh with our friends, sometimes, we lean on each other for support and strength. Along the way, there are the ones who betray us. It hurts tremendously. We just pick up the pieces and move on. There is no turning back.
But the most poignant moment of a friendship is the friendship between a man and a woman. Till what extent, they can become just platonic friends? When the friendship crosses the platonic line, will it ever be the same again ?
Some people say when best friends become lovers, they make an exquisite couple. Because they understand each other, they learn about the true colors of each other; because at the beginning, nobody is trying to make the best impression about themselves. They let their guards down, showing off what they are made of. In a true sense, it is the little imperfections in the characters that attract the other party.
But, the saddest moment would be when the relationship that starts off with a friendship falls apart. True, as what some might lament, even if the love does not survive, the friendship can still continue on. But, in real life, it can never happen. After all the hurts and dissappointments accummulated in the relationship, there can never be any clean slate to begin with. We are just human beings who think that we can forgive but we can never forget.......In the end, what we will miss most is the friendship that is lost in the tangles of love.
The hardest part of moving on is not looking back.
Posted at 03:42 pm by carriekay
Someone who likes to write and tries to find a space to indulge in her passion.